Been on the search for a bestie for forever

probably around 2017 is when me and my bestie broke up during college. we were best friends since the 2nd grade. by the time we got to college, I would say that we gave off “inseparable bestie vibes” and I lovveedddd it. one of my favorite relationships is a close friendship that is borderline codependent.

this was my dream and what I thought I had with nadia, but in reality, they’d always choose a man over me.

So after we broke up in 2017, I started my search for a new best friend but I don’t know… I haven’t had a friendship quite like it since.

Our friendship probably felt like this because we grew up together, and we grew apart once we grew up and had more agency in who we wanted to be.

And, I mean, it’s been really hard.

Because the friendships that I like to be in are very emotional, and I just haven’t experience this emotional intimacy and support in friendships.

I feel like the only person that emotionally supports me is pretty much Austin, and it’s been like that for almost a decade. It has created a strain on our relationship, as we both know that we both need more support from friendships, but we have coped and adjusted to it in the mean time.

And I don’t think this is uncommon. I think it’s incredibly common in our individualistic nuclear family american culture that your spouse is your one and only emotional support. it’s so normal.

But it’s so miserable. I’ve gone through so many things alone (okay with austin!!! but he can only support so much!!) when I feel like it would have been so much easier to get through if I had the emotional support of those around me.

Here are some things I’ve struggled with without having a bestie to help me through it:

• Major depression & suicidal ideation

  • These things were no secret, but my friends and I never talked about it

• Chronic illiness

  • my chronic hives were a fucking nightmare. they flared up really badly one time. they were painful, everywhere all over my body, and the itching and swelling never stopped for a full year. So many doctors appointments. I spent so much time alone and in pain. I wish I had more than just austin to help take care of me during this time, for both my mental and physical health. When I tried to reach out for support from my friends, it def seemed like i was annoying them “she’s always going off about those hives” yeah they were always bugging me 😭 and the fatigue was crazy. my body attacking itself took a lot of energy. and when i tapped out of activities because of it, I was teased for it.

• Sexual Trauma

  • I probably only spoke to one or two friends about it very briefly and only once or twice over like 10 years.

Probably some other things.

I had a big falling out with some people after spending 5 years with them only to feel like our relationships had become emotionally stagnant. I wanted to talk about these things and get their support but I don’t know. Maybe they didn’t create a safe enough space, maybe I wasn’t brave enough to be vulnerable. Maybe it was both. I had been vulnerable about these things with people before, but idk, it could also be the different life stage too.

I’ve been working on being more vulnerable because of this and I think I may overcorrect sometimes (I have trauma dumped on strangers) and so hopefully this will change things.

I haven’t given up hope on finding the friendhship dynamics that I desire but I’m trying to adjust my expectations for my life stage and maturity. Maybe the type of friendship depicted in the pen15 clip is not the most appropriate expecation because I think a lot of it is fueled by childhood circumstances.

I can have adult friendships that are emotionally supportive.

It’s kinda funny because sometimes I think about how I locked in my romantic life partner pretty early on, and I’ve been on the search for platonic love in similar ways that people search for romantic love. So like, it’s kinda working on life kinda backwards, which I think is fun lol.

I’m currently making friends ❤ ❤ ❤ and I’m excited to see if any of them develop into a more emotional connection over time.<3 ❤ ❤ because it’s not just about finding someone/s, I also have to figure out how to build these friendships. I’ve been in very emotional friendships before, but I think that I oftentimes take a back seat when it comes to socializing, so I was never the initiator or main driver of these relationships, and that’s something I’ve been trying to work on.